LABYRINTHS - TWENTY

                After dinner later that night, I announced that I was tired and wanted to retire. Abbey appeared to have no problems with that. I said good night to her and went to my room. A few minutes later I heard a knock and... how many were we in this house... of course it was her. She came in and made herself comfortable on my bed and I got the impression that she wasn’t leaving soon.

                “I want to ask you...” she started, “Would you really blame me if I didn’t tell you my medical condition?”

                “Yes... because by so doing you endangered us both.”

                “I hate to compare you to the others, but you’re toeing the exact same line they did.”

                “Obviously. Anyone would toe the same line, because toeing a different one might be disastrous.”

                “Is that why you have been avoiding me since I told you?”

                “Hello? Avoiding you? Who ran off to work this morning in spite of my attempts to prevail on her to stay home and rest? Who just... wandered off with Isabelle now to go and gallivant about town...? Don’t speak to me about avoidance!”

                “You’re sounding like you’re jealous... But I left because I’d rather be miles away from you than to be in the same house with you and have to tolerate the... chasm you’ve created between us.”

                “I don’t get you... How can you say I created a chasm between us?”

                “You didn’t offer me soothing words to help me with the tough battle I’m facing. You don’t hold me anymore... you don’t cuddle me. You’ve not kissed me since I got back from the hospital... why? You’re treating me as if it’s AIDS I’ve got...”

                “I’m avoiding those because doing so might be injurious to your health.”

                “C’mon Iroko, don’t tell me your view on the relations of man and woman is this... limited.”

                “How do you mean?”

                “Your... philosophy... only seems to recognize relations based on... animal desire... but there’s a wide field of strong attachment where desire plays, at least, only a secondary part... There are several ways to share a good time... not just through sex!”

                “Well, much as I can’t say I understand what you mean, I’m acting the way I’m doing based on my knowledge of myself, and what I think I know of you. People who shouldn’t have sex shouldn’t kiss. And what’s more... then when I kissed you I was your shrink, but now, according to you – and a wise decision that is too – you don’t want my shrink services anymore...”

                “Look into my eyes Iroko,” she looked serious, “and tell me that all we had was just... just... work.”

I paused awhile. Then…

                “C’mon Abbey, I told you you’re special... and I wasn’t lying. Girl... I’m just scared and... confused... You know this is a new development... and a big one at that. I need time to assimilate all this. I came here with the intention of being your shrink and working with you, but right now I’m the one who’s being worked on. I need to breathe, Abbey, I need to. It is important that I do. I need to sort myself out. I need to check my feelings.”

                “Know what, I agree with you. And I got this for you.” She gave me an envelope.

I opened it and opened my mouth in shock; then I began to count the notes.

                “I don’t really know your... money... as in your currency here... but something tells me this is ten thousand Rands?”

                “That’s correct.”

                “What for?”

                “For you Iroko.”

                “For me? My money’s supposed to be just four grand... of which you’ve already given me one... so what... this is over a hundred percent excess. Don’t you know what you should do with money anymore?”

                “Trust me, I do. And one is fix my car for a start. But you would have gotten no more than four grand if all you did here was your shrink job.”

                “Did I do more... something I’m not aware of?”

                “Yes, you brought sunshine into our lives... Isabelle, Doctor Biola, Doctor Fina, Zuma... all have something beautiful to say about you. God! Even my secretary in the office says you’re nice.”

                “Okay... and it is your place, my dear girl, to reward people who are nice, huh?!”

                “Don’t see it as a reward, ‘cuz I could never reward you. See it as payment for your work. Perhaps you should begin to see yourself as more than a shrink... you sell sunshine... and I’ve bought some for all these people I just mentioned. For me, I want to keep the source – if I could. Believe me, you did much more than you can imagine in such a short time.”

                “Wow... that’s... that’s ennobling. But Abbey girl, you might want to reconsider this. When I’ll be gone it wouldn’t feel the same way... especially as there’s no guarantee that I shall return... And you’ll seem to find you fell prey to the antics of a con man who breezed by your life... Don’t do something you’ll regret later.”

                “I will never regret this past two weeks for as long as I breathe. Even if you’re the devil... I love you dearly, and I’m not ashamed to say it.”

                My rejecting the money was no pretence... my refusal was genuine, because... something like I didn’t want Abbey to commit me any further. Of course I needed the money... for Teresa, for my folks, for my sibs... for Kate; and to even hang on when I found I’d lost my job. I didn’t want to take more than I bargained for. But Abbey’s persistence was unbeatable, so I claimed the fat envelope from the bed.

I kissed her on the temple.

                “You’re magical Abbey... I’ve been asking myself a question since these days... ‘Hope these aren’t the last days of my life?’... ‘cuz if the best parts ... if being in the company of the epitome of sublime womanhood is served me this early on ... if I’ve seen what men eighty haven’t yet seen... I hope I’m still gonna live to eighty.”

                Abbey smiled. “You do have a way with words. You say the most beautiful things.”

                “If you go to a beautiful beach you know what it does to your senses, that you bless it unaware... if you chat with a captivating woman... you know what it does to your mind? It sets it aglow with gestures and words that attempt to sing her praise...”

                “Say no more, Iroko,” she said, “just hold me.”

I gathered her into my arms and held tight... Even I had missed this. I could feel her heartbeat, and it beat faster than mine. I hoped all was well now.

                The sensitivity of the situation endeared us further. It is true that... when love begins to set in, carnality begins to retreat to the rear. At that point when you can hug a woman and not really feel her breasts rubbing against you... and not imagine how close your crotches are and how close you are to penetration... and not run your hands all over her back down to the fleshy mounds above her legs... at that point you’ve transcended a realm; you’ve either come to really love that woman, or come to be indifferent about her femaleness.

In my case it couldn’t be indifference... the former was more likely to be the case. Abbey and I slept in my room, on my bed, till dawn. We slept in each other’s embrace... and woke up so.

This wasn’t enough, though, to be a foretaste of matrimony. It lacked the essentials of a connubial night – the talk and the sexual conjugation. The talk about the children – who had been born or who were to be; the quarrels; the fights; the coldness... Or the reconciliation; the kisses and the re-professions of love and commitment. The matrimonial bed is a drama-set infinitely more palpitating than most other aspects of life. What couples do there reverberate through history and constitute the tumultuous noise that emanates from the planet as it plots its course through space. Two people necking there in 1888 or ’89 in Braunau am Inn, Austria-Hungary, may have been fighting through it... to produce Hitler... who was involved, arguably, in the loudest war noises ever heard. And when the two who produced Bin Laden went in, someone should have told them to use a condom. Or maybe they should have just held each other and slept... the way Abbey and I did, for nobody ever really knows the full consequences of releasing semen into a woman’s vaginal track.

                I wanted to sneak out of bed without waking her, but how could I succeed when she lay atop my arm! She caught me and asked where I was going.

                “To say my prayers,” I said.

Then she didn’t say anything, she just got out of bed and knelt down... with sleepy eyes.

                “I didn’t want to wake you because you need this rest...” I said.

                “Let’s pray then I’ll go back to sleep.”

We did; after which I tucked her back in and went to wash up. In my mind I said those prayers I couldn’t say when we were two... as in, I spoke to God in a language only He and I understood.